S.S.D.D.

Have you written a novel?

2011-10-20T02:59:00.001-07:00

Depends if you can really consider a several-years-old collection of text I'm borderline ashamed of a novel, but technically yes. Working on a much better one that'll hopefully have a first draft soon.

Ask me anything

What is your favorite type of candy?

2011-10-20T02:58:00.001-07:00

Probably the Milky Way bars that have nothing but caramel in them.

Ask me anything

Would you rather get up early or sleep late?

2011-07-25T15:08:00.003-07:00

They both have their benefits and drawbacks.

Ask me anything

Who's the funniest person you know?

2011-07-25T15:08:00.001-07:00

Toss up between Spence, Matt, John, Ben, or Pete, depending on the day and who's on their game.

Ask me anything

Sneakers or sandals?

2011-07-25T15:07:00.001-07:00

Depends on what activity I'm engaging in. If I'm gonna be running anywhere or walking for a long period of time? Sneakers.

Ask me anything

If you won a $1,000 shopping spree for any store, which store would you pick?

2011-07-25T15:06:00.003-07:00

Probably Best Buy.

Ask me anything

If you could make one person fall in love with you who would it be?

2011-07-25T15:06:00.001-07:00

Supposing I were single? Natalie Portman, Emma Watson, or Karen Gillan.

Ask me anything

Where's your favorite place to buy clothes?

2011-07-25T15:05:00.005-07:00

Kohl's

Ask me anything

Do you believe in fate?

2011-07-25T15:05:00.003-07:00

50/50.

Ask me anything

Would you rather swim in a pool or the ocean?

2011-07-25T15:05:00.001-07:00

Pool. Less salty, no seaweed, no fish shit, no small creatures, no whale cum, and no risk of getting carried out to far or smashed in the face by a tidal wave.

Ask me anything

If you had access to a time machine, where and when would be the first place you travel to?

2011-07-25T15:04:00.001-07:00

Future, just to see where shit's at, maybe see if I can get the jump on inventing something.

Ask me anything

Would you rather be rich or famous?

2011-07-25T15:03:00.001-07:00

Rich. Not having to worry about money is a lot better than everyone knowing who I am and rarely getting a moment's peace.

Ask me anything

How long could you last without your mobile phone?

2011-07-25T14:57:00.001-07:00

Maybe a day.

Ask me anything

2010-07-22T13:03:00.001-07:00

HOLY FUCK, I WANT THIS POSTER!!!!
http://ping.fm/08vI6

What was the last book you read?

2010-07-18T18:54:00.001-07:00

Scott Pilgrim Vs. the World.

Ask me anything

Would you rather be a vampire or a werewolf?

2010-07-18T18:53:00.001-07:00

Vampire. Healing, super strength/speed, eternal life, controlled transformations, and possibly other powers. Lot more angst, but I could deal.

Ask me anything

If you had your own talk show, who would your first three guests be?

2010-07-18T18:52:00.001-07:00

Nicolas Cage, Willem Dafoe, and Zachary Quinto.

Ask me anything

2010-07-14T12:49:00.001-07:00

First pic of Thor, Odin, and Loki. Gotta say, I'm impressed. Costumes are a lot wackier than I imagined they'd be, but at least they're sticking to the comic's roots. And Anthony Hopkins with a solid gold eye patch is pretty metal.

http://ping.fm/0errb

2010-06-28T20:52:00.001-07:00

http://ping.fm/EJInW

Hi

2010-06-03T23:03:00.003-07:00

Ask me anything

I pooped in your mouth. Sorray

2010-06-03T23:03:00.001-07:00

I was wondering what tasted like chorizo that's been in an ashtray for six months...

Ask me anything

what are you addicted to?

2010-06-03T22:33:00.001-07:00

Mountain Dew, buying DVDs.

Ask me anything

2010-05-19T09:41:00.001-07:00

Job interview at Noodles & Company at 2:30. Wish me luck on getting the fuck out of Henry's, everybody!

2010-05-19T01:01:00.001-07:00

I don't know why the poster's hatin'. I think this actually sounds pretty badass.

http://ping.fm/6yKXW

2010-05-19T00:07:00.001-07:00

WOW, what a dumbass...

http://ping.fm/dJIAq

2010-05-18T23:21:00.001-07:00

Really? This is what NBC canceled Heroes for? I'll concede that some of the cape shit looks cool, and Keith David's always the bomb...but really? How is this going to tread any ground we haven't already been through a hundred times in either Heroes, Smallville, or Birds of Prey?

http://ping.fm/mQ9pX

If you could cosplay as anyone from either videogame or anime, who would you want to go as?

2010-05-17T12:46:00.001-07:00

Right now, top of my list would be Sylar, considering how easy it would be.

Ask me anything

2010-05-17T10:16:00.001-07:00

So, the Beef is earning some major credibility points lately. First he admits Transformers 2 sucked massive swinging Devastator balls, and now he's coming out about Indy 4. Granted, I was able to derive entertainment from both films, but it's refreshing seeing a young actor being this honest, candid, and yes –apologetic. http://ping.fm/OCuOJ

2010-05-17T10:02:00.001-07:00

The Quock's thoughts regarding the end of Heroes. Humble guy; nice to see how much respect he has for the show that made him what he is.

http://ping.fm/cczsj

i say Jersey Shores...you say?

2010-05-16T21:30:00.001-07:00

The location of Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

Ask me anything

what are you addicted to?

2010-05-16T21:29:00.001-07:00

Mountain Dew, buying and collecting DVDs, watching movies.

Ask me anything

Are you afraid of dying?

2010-05-15T14:36:00.001-07:00

Only if it's at a young age. I'm not afraid of EVENTUALLY dying, though I'm sure that tune will change as I get older.

Ask me anything

formspring.me

2010-05-15T14:31:00.001-07:00

Go for it. http://formspring.me/zephonate

Where do you see your life in 10 years from now? (Meaning: Job, Family, Income, Pets, Kids?) Realistically speaking.

2010-05-06T23:29:00.001-07:00

Seeing the future with any clarity is a difficult feat. Where would I LIKE to be in ten years? I'd say probably married, working as a high school film teacher, have at least one novel or comic book published, and at least one cat and one dog (likely a pug named Chekov for the latter).

Ask me anything

What's your most ideal version of the ultimate romantic date?

2010-05-02T13:06:00.001-07:00

Despite how creative I am, I'm very unoriginal when it comes to this. I'm definitely a nice quiet dinner and a movie kind of guy, maybe followed by a walk in a park or on the beach with lots of conversation and shared laughs.

Ask me anything

Would you rather be a zombie or a mummy?

2010-05-02T13:04:00.001-07:00

Interesting question. Lets weigh some of the pros and cons of both. I'm gonna assume we're going with 28 Days Later-style zombies, seeing as the slow ones are a rarity these days.

Zombies:

Pros
-Can run extremely fast and vault over objects with ease and without ever getting tired.
-Congenital insensitivity to pain.
-Hard to kill, can take a lot of bodily punishment.
-Will always look badass.
-Aside from getting killed by a human or starvation, impervious to most forms of mortal death.
-Greater appreciation of haikus.

Cons
-Lack of cognizance.
-Infections from open wounds and sores.
-The smell.
-One-track mind.
-Eternal life.
-Greater appreciation of haikus.

Mummies:

Pros
-Awesome supernatural powers like creating sand vortexes, dissolving into scarabs, stealing peoples' skin, performing curses, and raising the dead.
-Bandages are trendy.

Cons
-Itchiness
-The ability to be summoned and entombed at will using an ancient book.
-It's rare to find a mummy in any place other than a fucking desert.

Still, I'd probably have to go with mummy if for no other reason than the supernatural powers. Besides, mummies are gonna be the next hip thing in Hollywood! http://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2009/10/12/

Ask me anything

What was the worst job you've ever had?

2010-05-02T12:51:00.001-07:00

The same job I still have: Cashier at Henry's Farmer's Market. God, what I wouldn't give to go back to GameStop or the movie theater...

Ask me anything

What celebrity would play you in a movie about your life?

2010-05-02T12:50:00.001-07:00

I've discussed this with many of my friends, and the common consensus seems to be Robert Downey Jr., though Colin Farrell and Seth Green have also been popular choices.

Ask me anything

top 5 favorite chick flicks???

2010-05-02T12:47:00.001-07:00

Probably Love Happens, Mean Girls, P.S. I Love You, The Time Traveler's Wife, and A Walk to Remember.

Ask me anything

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

2010-04-25T23:46:00.001-07:00

Well, first of all, if they're called woodchucks, why can't they chuck wood? Secondly, does "to chuck wood" imply throwing it, or perhaps biting it down as a beaver would? Thirdly, I think how much wood a woodchuck could chuck would depend on the strength, size, and chucking proficiency of said woodchuck. It's hardly a clear-cut question with only one possible answer.

Oh dear, I'm sorry. I appear to have answered your question with another question.

Ask me anything

is the time travelers wife good?

2010-04-25T23:43:00.001-07:00

Personally, I think so. I love Eric Bana, Rachel McAdams is a good actress, and the story was pretty decent. Not your run-of-the-mill average chick flick. Definitely had some originality to it and some sappy moments that didn't seem too heavily borrowed from the movies that've come before it. All in all good acting, good music, good cinematography, good special effects –an all-around good movie.

Ask me anything

Has anyone ever told you that you look like a young Enrique Inglacias?

2010-04-25T23:40:00.003-07:00

No...thankfully.

Ask me anything

SEND ME MATTHEW'S NUDES

2010-04-25T23:40:00.001-07:00

Believe me, if I had any I would. Why not just ask him for some? I'm sure he'd oblige.

Ask me anything

What was the last book you read?

2010-04-25T19:51:00.001-07:00

The Pilo Family Circus, by Will Elliot.

Ask me anything

formspring.me

2010-04-25T19:29:00.001-07:00

http://formspring.me/zephonate

What's the most offensive thing a friend has ever done to you?

2010-03-09T23:54:00.003-08:00

Probably start dating my ex about three months after we broke up without even talking to me about it first.

Ask me anything

top 5 favorite chick flicks???

2010-03-09T23:54:00.001-08:00

I guess probably Love Happens, The Notebook, Things We Lost in the Fire, The Time Traveler's Wife, and A Walk to Remember.

Ask me anything

What do you want out of life?

2010-03-08T12:17:00.001-08:00

A dedicated fanbase for my works, enough money to live happily and comfortably, a good home, and a loving wife and family.

Ask me anything

formspring.me

2010-03-08T00:24:00.001-08:00

Why not. Ask me anything: http://formspring.me/zephonate

"When you can live forever, what do you live for?"

2008-12-07T01:54:00.001-08:00

I sit here on a couch in San Francisco, in the living room of the apartment of one of my best friends, phasing in and out of attentiveness as the classic cult horror film H.P. Lovecraft's Re-Animator plays in the background for his and his girlfriend's enjoyment. It's been a relaxing vacation so far -one I will likely revisit at length in a future post. But for now, I'd like to focus on a particularly relevant aspect of my little retreat for the purposes of discussion.

At long last, I've finished reading Twilight, by Stephenie Meyer.

I waited anxiously in line for the midnight release of the film some three weeks ago, partly out of interest in the subject matter, affinity for the film's director, and pure curiosity (also partly to spend more of the day among friends and a certain girl I had set my sights on at the time).

I did not expect to enjoy the film as thoroughly as I did. I mean, come on -we had a strong love story, badass vampire fight scenes, and one of my favorite Linkin Park songs as the ending credits theme. Naturally, my affinity for the movie made me interested in reading the copy of the novel that my ex had loaned me over a month prior. Knowing I was leaving for San Fran this week, I dug up the ol' thing, and finally decided to give the literary sparkling vampires a try as I waited for my delayed flight to commence.

Firstly, I loved the book, as I was expecting to. Being the weirdo I am, I often enjoy seeing a movie based on a written work first, that way I am not disappointed by the celluloid adaptation. When I see the movie, then decide to read the book, I have nowhere to go but up! That strange philosophy aside, the book is more or less a completely different animal. The book grips you tightly and invests you in Bella's every thought and emotion completely. Edward in some ways is an afterthought to those of Bella's. And it is here that I shall draw the line and make my most concrete opinion of the novel known.

It really does perplex me why so many consider this work one purely for the prepubescent female crowd. There is plenty for the average male to enjoy in Twilight. And I'm referring to things beyond the superficial vampire battles, or even the clever switching up of the classic vampire mythos that I do so appreciate and applaud Meyer for exploring.

Many guys agree that one of the book's failings is that it portrays its male protagonist Edward Cullen as the ultimate female masturbatory fantasy. He is chivalrous, protective, jealous when necessary, loving, ridiculously handsome, strong -yet gentle, funny, charismatic...you get the picture. Basically, no man can live up to him. But hardly anyone calls attention to the other side of the coin. That being how difficult it is for the average woman to live up to Isabella Swan.

We spend the entirety of the novel behind Bella's eyes, imbedded in her thoughts. Through this, we're given a firsthand look at her bravery, devotion, modesty (though often self-depracatingly so), and are painted a portrait of a strong, yet somewhat vulnerable young girl. A girl who struggles with adjusting to a new home, new friends, and of course, new love. She's beautiful in her own way, smart, funny, sarcastic, and can't help but make any male reader probing her thoughts become very attached to her during her journey.

Yes, Twilight sets an unfairly high bar for most guys to live up to in the form of Edward Cullen. That being said, from a guy's perspective (admittedly, a very sentimental, romantic, and emotional guy's perspective), the novel also sets a high bar for most women to live up to. Edward is not the primary focus of the book -he's Mr. Exposition. And it's almost difficult not to fall in love with Bella right along with him as the story goes on.

End.

--Jedels.

My Humble Thoughts Concerning Prop 8

2008-10-31T16:21:00.000-07:00

Stolen from my friend Arielle, but felt it was well-written and important enough to repost here.

10 Reasons Why Gay Marriage is Wrong:

1. Being gay is not natural. And real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, air conditioning, tattoos, piercings, and silicon breasts.

2. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

3. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract. Lamps are next.

4. Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all, hence why women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

5. Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed. And we can't let the sanctity of Britney Spears' fifty-five hour just-for-fun marriage be destroyed.

6. Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Therefore, gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our population isn't out of control, our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

7. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children. Since, of course, straight parents only raise straight children.

8. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

...Did I miss the lesson where Jesus says He hates gays?

9. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home, which is exactly why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

Happy Halloween to all,

--Jedels.

P.S. I add this post script several days after the original entry. Some people can put things into words a hell of a lot better than I can, thus I link you to Keith Olberman's thoughts concerning Prop 8. Let this man speak for all who are present.

Good night, and good luck.

10-17-08

2008-10-17T05:09:00.001-07:00

Well, it's a little past five in the morning. Haven't stayed up this late in a long time. Guess that's what I get for staying out 'til 3:30 AM the previous night with Matt trekking through High Bluff Park and throwing rocks in a field outside Via De La Valle.

Woke up at 2:00 PM today. Some of the best sleep I've gotten in months. These rare days a week I don't have the obligation of wasting my life and sanity away at Henry's are cherished more than the average person would normally take the time to fathom. They're days highly enjoyed, though often wasted.

Had a relatively fun evening with John and Spence. Introduced them to The Machine Girl: One Armed Ballistics Assault Heroine (having already watched the epic, terrible, and hilarious film three times this week already -once with Wayne, another with Matt, and yet again with Wayne in the joined accompaniment of Jay Mull), then had a nice meal with the guys at Subway, wherein many horrifying conversations, ripped farts, unceremonious belches, and uproarious fits of laughter took place.

Some truly amazing quotes to highlight the evening:

John: "You know what's weird? Seeing black guys shoot white cum. I dunno why...it just looks funny."

Spence: "Well, imagine what they think when they see us shit."

Perhaps you kinda' had to be there.

According to the guys, I uttered one of the greatest things ever said. For this, imagine a hapless director giving his producer a film pitch.

Me: "Now, let me tell ya' something about Mansteak's dick...!"

For additional referencing purposes, here's "Mansteak":

And to all, a good night (err, morning).

--Jedels.

Reflections

2008-10-05T13:11:00.001-07:00

For the longest time, I was able to look in the mirror and be proud of what I saw. Before my eyes was a once young boy who had become a man. A person who knew where he wanted to go in life, knew what he wanted to accomplish, yet at the same time, had already been blessed enough to find the one thing he could ever want out of it. This was a teenager who was kind to those around him, did everything in his power for the people he loved, and did his best to spread the happiness he had desperately longed for that had finally been given to him.

Years later, I look in the mirror, but I don't see the same face that I used to. All I see is a sad, blurred figure that I can't focus on and clarify for the life of me. It's a horrible feeling to have such a concrete image of yourself for so long, only to have it crumble at its very foundations -so completely that at the end, you feel utterly and completely lost. I look in that mirror every day, and I find myself wondering what I've become. I don't know who I am anymore.

I'm tired of hurting the people I love. I'm tired of wanting to do good, yet only causing more harm. I hate feeling trapped and alone all the time. And that's only due in part to not having romance in my life (though I won't lie, it's a big part). Every day seems like a further testament to the concept that maybe I was never meant to be happy. At least not for any kind of permanence.

Let's take a look at the track record, shall we? I went years being blissfully unaware of the world's greatest wonder. The moment I got my first glimpse of it, my perception was forever changed. That desire to feel the real thing, to know what love was never left me. It dulled my perception and ability to feel happiness in other areas irrevocably. I spent many years more wishing and hoping I could be given the gift of someone who could reciprocate the love I was so willing and eager to share. And given that gift I was. Though I spent nearly two years more of being blissfully, completely happy, it came to a crashing end. Now, I'm right back where I started. A depressed, lonely kid who's no more a man than a dog. I'm a mouse caught in a trap -still breathing, waiting for either a gentled hand to lift the metal clamp and set me free, or the inevitable last rush of air before oblivion.

I've let my grades dwindle. I have no semblance of direction or motivation to work towards my future. I endure day after day of toiling at a job that makes me miserable, eats away at my soul, and merely adds layers upon layers to that feeling of being trapped. Trapped in my own existence. The existence I've made for myself. Yes, assuredly, the hole I've found myself in is one I dug with my own bare hands. I made mistakes, I took things and people for granted, I lied, and it ended up costing me the one thing I loved most in this world, a job I could tolerate, and the absolute sureness I once held that things would get better. I still believe they will. It just gets a little harder every day to hold onto that belief. I'll eventually dig myself out of the hole I've made. Still...it'd be nice to have a helping hand, even though I'm certain the universe will force me to do it on my own or suffer the consequences.

I'm angry with no one but myself. I don't blame anyone anymore but myself. I've never harbored feelings of self-loathing, despite my critically low self-esteem. Though it's gotten to the point that I'm more than a little disgusted with what I see in the mirror every morning. The budding young man that would once die for every one of his friends, give anything and everything to put a smile on the face of someone in need, and would move mountains for the girl he loved has become nothing but a dark shadow of his former self. A jealous trace. An insensitive echo. An ungrateful memory. A pale glimmer of what once was. I no longer have the arrogance and pride to count myself among the good people of our world. Because good people don't say the things I've said. Good people don't do the things I've done. Sure, good people make mistakes. Everyone does. But it's a true test of moral character to rise up and never make them again. Though I'm determined not to...you'd think I might've fucking learned by now.

There are slivers of the old me still there, buried beneath the hurt and the self-revulsion. But it's going to take a lot of sifting to unearth that part of me again. Maybe it'll take someone to hold my hand through it (literally or figuratively). Maybe it's something I have to do on my own, even though I doubt my strength to do so. In any case, I wish I could stop feeling like I let slip my only true chance at being happy. I wish that I could wake up with a smile on my face, rather than the tired sadness of what will soon be staring back at me in the mirror.

My dear friend Wayne once said that when he needs it most, he's reminded why he still believes in miracles. I still believe. I still have hope.

I just...really, really could use a miracle, right about now.

Wonderwall

2008-09-05T02:00:00.000-07:00

I'm beginning this post with a video for another song. To warn those of my readers with more *ahem* specific tastes in music, the song is "Wonderwall" - by: Oasis, should they decide not to watch or listen, though it fits the tone and content of today's melancholic diatribe. You might ask why I decide to embed the Rock Band version of this song, as opposed to the band's music video. More on that later.

On a whim, I bought a karma bracelet and two good luck charms while on a ten minute break at Henry's the other day. According to the packaging, the karma bracelet was said to symbolize (besides the concept of karma itself) happiness and strength. Of all the different colored bracelets with different inscriptions holding different representations, I felt this one was the most fitting for me. Happiness because I believe it to be one of the most important things in life -or at the very least, the pursuit of it. And strength because life is an often times cruel collection of coincidences, and hardly any person could survive it all without at least a modicum of strength.

The two "Feng Shui Jade Luck Charms" I bought also held their own specific distinctions and meanings. One was in the shape of a heart and appropriately stood for love. To quote the packaging:

"Love

Feng Shui Jade Luck Charm

In Chinese culture, it is
said that jade is valuable
since it brings forth luck.

This Heart
symbolizes Love.

Hang it in your home or
office or carry it with you
always, and it can either
attract that special
someone or be a token
of your heart to those
you love."

The other luck charm was in the shape of a lotus flower and stood for "unexpected miracles". The legend on the back of the package read:

"Unexpected Miracles

Feng Shui Jade Luck Charm

In Chinese culture, it is
said that jade is valuable
since it brings forth luck.

This Lotus Flower
symbolizes Miracles occur
and Dreams come true.

Hang it in your home or
office or carry it with you
always and your life
can overflow with
unexpected miracles and
everything you desire
can come your way."

I spent fifteen bucks on what many would consider worthless trinkets. Why? Because I've always been an avid believer in karma. Not necessarily for its spiritual or religious implications, but more because I believe the concept of karma is a basic principle that our universe naturally acts upon. It has nothing to do with fate or destiny, in my mind. I just think it's a simple fact. You do bad shit, you bring bad shit down on you. You do good deeds, you try to be a good person, and favorable things will happen to you. Though, perhaps the less idyllic, more realistic version would be: "Do bad shit, and likely nothing bad will come of it, though it should," and, "Do good deeds, and they'll usually go unappreciated for a very long time until eventually life decides to thrown you a bone. Maybe."

I was at a birthday party recently for two close friends. There was a lot of fun to be had. Cake, pizza, soda, Rock Band 2, Super Smash Bros. Brawl, and getting to socialize with a group of people I don't get to see or hang out with very often, which was nice. But as is often the case with me, any amount of time spent in the presence of others dredges up the most obscure memories in the weirdest ways possible. Thus, towards the latter end of the evening, that all too familiar sense of longing and emptiness prevailed over the general fun factor.

While at this party, I met a girl. She was the best friend of one of the two people the party was being thrown for. When I laid eyes on this girl for the first time, I knew instantly she was one of the most beautiful women I had ever seen. The kind of beauty that a person could be perfectly content to just stare upon for hours on end. The kind of beauty that almost hurts to look at, because once you start to lose yourself in their immaculately crafted features, you feel a dull ache in your heart. The ache of knowing something so perfect could never be yours. I know it's detrimental to my self-esteem and general never-give-up-hope attitude to tell myself there are people and things in this world that are simply out of my league, but in certain cases, it's an unfortunate fact.

Being a slave to the guy code (this rule happening to be do not go after a girl who is taken) and being unable to act on any attraction to this girl, I spent much of the party going about my business, but occasionally stealing glances at her and sighing deeply to myself. But the real fun didn't begin until later on when two rooms were being occupied by separate Rock Band 2 set ups. I happened to be in the bedroom. The same room as aforementioned girl.

"Wonderwall" came on the setlist. She was on vocals, I was on bass guitar. I sat next to her on the floor, listening to her gentle voice keeping in near perfect tune with the song. During the chorus, I felt myself being lost in the music, singing the words softly along with her. As I did this, I hooked my vision towards her, needing not to look at the fretboard moving towards me on the TV, as the notes were fairly predictable. When I looked at her, I happened onto a rare instance in time where the low lamplight from the desk behind her put half her body in silhouette, bringing out the shine in her black hair, the reflection in her glasses, the contours of her skin perfectly. That combined with the harmony of her voice made my heart skip beats.

I'm trying to hold onto what little vestiges of hope for a light at the end of the tunnel that I have left. But it's like every new day -rather than being the first of the rest of my life- is just another endurance test. If that's what life really is, I'm never going to throw in the towel and give up. Though it's getting to the point where I'm starting to care less and less how high I score on the test.

Matt told me that if I don't believe that karma bracelet will help me, it won't. He also told me that it's going to keep testing me and testing me before some good luck actually starts coming my way. Like fucking religion. Yes, I'm aware things always get worse before they get better. But how much worse? When is it ever enough? How does one know when things have gotten their worst? Especially when no matter what, it continues to keep spiraling down, even when things are already at their most abysmal blacks.

I'm trying to believe. I'm trying to have hope. I'm trying to tell myself this all will pass.

I'm trying.

Rain Forever

2008-06-01T00:57:00.000-07:00

I long for simpler times. Times when a heart's desires were dictated by a cute smile or a simple act of kindness. Times when responsibility and growing up were a distant worry, lying far enough in the future to the point where they simply didn't matter. Times when life had a semblance of order. Back when life had constants, rather than friends and loved ones coming and going like the wind.

Often times a world order crumbles -taken down at its roots like a mighty pillar unable to withstand the test of time, only so that a newer, greater ideal can be built from the hope and intentions of what once was. The same can be said about the life of the average person. Couples dissolve, friendships dissipate, and it seems as if everything a person knows or loves disintegrates before their eyes. But life doesn't always let you pick up the pieces and forge something new from the ashes of the old.

There are people in this world born as half a person. This is an uncommon condition, but not unheard of. Another way to put it would be that some people on this earth are born with only half a soul -half a heart. And yet another way to put it still is that some people are born with more than their fair share of heart and/or soul. People that can't bring themselves to fully experience the joys everyone else takes for granted, because they aren't whole. They require someone to bring out their potential for happiness. Or better yet...someone to share it with.

People make mistakes. No one is unique for having screwed up something in the course of their lives. It's a universal experience. Some do it in small ways. Others do it in ways irrevocable. And yet others still do it in ways that the impact won't fully be known to them for years to come. We are all fallible. It's part of what makes us human. If only that simple train of logic, that basic thread of reason could somehow make the pain we feel for mistakes made feel less severe.

Emptiness is a terrible feeling. It doesn't pack the punch of heartbreak, but it wallows of a vacuous ache that takes the broken pieces of one's heart and constricts them, making them unable to properly heal. You feel desolate and alone, craving even the slightest bit of care and attention, though often times in cases where a sense of emptiness is one's focal tormentor...it feels as if the world is conspiring against the possibility of you ever being happy.

When it rains, it pours. Bad shit just piles on and piles on. Everyone always says it's darkest before the dawn. But no matter what, life finds a way to make even the most abysmal blacks that much darker. People die, friends leave, hearts break, relationships end, mistakes are made, and one can do nothing but watch their world crumble around them, begging and pleading for something to go right, for some bit of light at the end of the tunnel, for one tiny glimmer of hope.

There comes a point where a man will do anything in their power, if only to make their pain go away. But when all is said and done, it can't rain all the time, right?

Right?

What I Want

2008-05-20T19:08:00.000-07:00

There is a girl out there for me. I know her intimately, and yet I've never seen her face or heard her name. But she's out there. Somewhere.

This girl is a little shorter than me, only because I'm born of the typical train of thought that dictates the woman should be shorter than the man. I don't mean to sound sexist, it's just how I've been conditioned to think. Though I suppose my dream girl being taller than me wouldn't make a difference where things really count.

I'm not sure what color her eyes or hair are -not even the length of her hair, truth be told. I just know that whatever combination of eye color, hair color, hair length, skin tone, or body type she exhibits; she will be the most beautiful girl I've ever laid eyes on. Not because of her sex appeal (though I'm sure in certain lights, this will be abundant), but in the softness of her features, the sensitive and caring look in her eyes, and the emotional bond I have with her. Because it's a known fact that even if you find a woman beautiful before falling in love with them, their grace only grows exponentially every day you spend in their presence. It's a mystery to me whether this comes about from a strengthening connection, a building of trust, or perhaps even the growing adoration of everything they are. Even their faults, for it would be naïve and unrealistic of me to picture the girl for me having no faults whatsoever. After all, I want a girl who is human.

This girl, whom I have not met, is the sweetest girl I will ever know. She is compassionate, thoughtful, caring, sincere, and the epitome of what it means to be a good person, however subjective of a notion that may be. The only thing that might outweigh the strength of her heart is that of her brain. She exists on a level of intelligence that causes her to be prone to having deep, thought-provoking, emotional, and philosophical conversations. She chooses her words carefully, excels at voicing her varied and strong opinions in a concise manner, and is in every sense an individual unto her own. But that's not to say she doesn't know how to cut loose -to not let all matters be of a serious nature. She can kick back, laugh, joke, and play with the best of them. In fact, her wit and unconventional sense of humor are vital aspects to her complex and endearing personality that many envy of her.

Yes, she is beautiful, smart, funny, and sweet. But surely there are more dimensions of her personality worth probing, are there not?

To say this girl shares common interests with me is a vast understatement. Our tastes in movies, music, video games, comics, and animé are virtually the same. In fact, one of our favorite activities will be to spend long hours, even whole days introducing each other to new films or reliving ones we already know and love. All done while in the comfort of a warm bed and each other's arms, of course. Because this dream girl of mine will not only like physical touch and attention -she will crave it on a near constant basis, just as much as I do. Holding hands lovingly, spooning comfortably, kissing gently...all of these will be common practice. Because hardly anything on this Earth can compare to the utter bliss of being safe in the arms of the one you love, feeling the warmth of their skin to yours, knowing in the deepest parts of your heart that this is what was intended for mankind.

This girl will support me in all of my endeavors, just as I will her. Her faith in my actions, my beliefs, and my dedications will be unflinching. And I can see no better way to repay such loyalty than to offer the same courtesy, unconditionally. Unequivocally. She will allow me to defend her when I believe it is warranted, she will let me flex my chivalrous muscle on her every chance I get, and she would even let me give her the world if I could; because I know she would give it to me in a heartbeat. She will be by my side no matter the hardship, and she will harbor the same resolve I will to never give up on each other. No obstacle, no boundary, no hitch or bump in the road will be too much for us to overcome. Because our love and passion for each other will never die. And it certainly will not be done in by things that we can overcome simply by staying true to ourselves and each other, never withholding secrets, and always knowing that the connection we share is far more important than any fight, squabble, tiff, argument, or issue. With this girl, love is all we'll need. Everything else will be a close second. Some may call me foolish, a hopeless romantic, or plain idiotic for believing in such an idea. But it's one of the few dreams I've ever had. And it's one I will hold onto dearly, until the day I die if need be. It's part of what makes me who I am. And it's an overly optimistic, remotely unrealistic hope that will come true for me someday. If I want it bad enough. If I try hard enough. If I never give up.

This girl will love me for who I am. Not who I try to be. Not who I think she deserves. But me, and me alone. And I will of course show her the same kindness repaid. This girl will be next to me, arms draped around my shoulders, kissing my neck as I sit behind a table at Comic-Con International, signing comics, novels, and posters for my eager fans. She will be in the audience, watching eagerly and praying with me to hear my name read as the winner of the Academy Award for Best Director, or perhaps even Best Picture (hey, a man can fantasize). And maybe I won't win, in which case she'll be there right by my side, telling me how much she loves me and how she still has faith I will win someday. And if I do...she'll be there, in the audience, wiping the tears from her eyes as I dedicate my speech and the award to her. My muse. My inspiration. The one person who gives me the strength to keep going and do what I do. The love of my life.

Yes, this girl will do a lot of things, as I will do a lot of things for her. She will be the most loving wife a man could ask or hope for, the mother of my children, the yin to my yang, and the shining testament to the inherent goodness of the world. We will do anything and everything for each other, no matter the sacrifice that must be made, for we will both know in the end that it will have all been worth it. For when it comes to love -when it comes to matters of the heart, nothing could be more worth the effort, more worth the risk. I don't know if this girl will be the next girl I love, or if I have a long time yet before happening across her. She may even be someone I already know, and am not yet aware of her splendor. All I know for certain is that she is out there, and I will find her someday. Once I do, all of my sadness will melt away. All of my heartache and turmoil will dissipate at long last. I will be happy. Truly and completely.

There is a girl out there for me. I know her intimately, and yet I've never seen her face or heard her name. But she's out there...somewhere.

Under Construction

2008-05-06T20:24:00.000-07:00

I know, an odd title for a blog entry. But the title is appropriate, for there are a handful of individuals in this world I consider myself lucky enough to call my truest friends. They mean more to me than I could possibly describe.

For anyone reading this who is even remotely close to me, you're likely very aware (perhaps painfully so, due to my incessant venting) that I've recently been through a massive heartbreak, the likes of which I would wish on no one. The handful of friends I'm going to address in this post I like to consider my heart's construction workers. Because the term heartbreak -for anyone who's experienced it- is a disturbingly apt term. It feels like a hole has opened in your chest, like a part of you is missing. Your metaphorical heart is literally broken. And these people, my closest friends -they are the ones slowly, due to how much they love and care for me, piecing my heart back together. Hence the term "under construction". I realize that to most of them, it probably doesn't seem like I'm getting much better. To put it in imagery related to the analogy, perhaps the glue they're using isn't strong enough. Perhaps my heart is damaged in ways beyond repair. But the fact of the matter is...they help in ways they'll never know. Ways they can't begin to imagine. Despite my rants, ravings, and ramblings; they keep that small part of me alive that still believes there's good in the world. I would do anything for any one of them, at great emotional or physical cost to myself. They mean more to me than my own life, my own well-being, as I've often put forth sleepless nights, hours of worrying, and every effort I can muster to try and repay them for all the love and kindness they've unconditionally shown me. Here, I will pay tribute to them the best way I know how -through my use of language.

And as a side note before I begin: Any friend of mine who I do not address in this post -please, do not be offended. I do not love you any less or consider you any worse of a friend. This is just my way of saying thank you to those who've been of most help to me throughout my hardest times.

Matt

For a change of pace when talking about Matt, I'm not going to delve into the myths and legends surrounding the man (the very same stories I've likely told to a thousand different people a thousand different times). Instead, I'm going to write about what the guy means to me, not how entertaining or harrowing his exploits might be.

Matt and I first became acquainted when I trained him in the soul-sucking hellhole that was UltraStar Del Mar 8. Ten minutes after meeting the guy, he detailed to me the intricacies of mung, felching, used tampons, and thereby forever warped my sense of humor to what many consider to be commonplace for me today. But I owe Matt a whole lot more than the vileness of my jokes and the crudeness of my worldview. Matt came to me at a time when I sorely needed someone to look up to, though I didn't know it way back when. He would probably be the first to admit that no one should've been emulating or taking after him at the life stage he was in when we met (or Hell, even a year or so after we became friends, for that matter). But I didn't need someone who's behavior I could mimic and adopt as my own, despite the fact I've inherited a lot of his less volatile traits. I needed someone older and wiser than I, someone to give me advice and look out for me that wasn't a parent, relative, teacher, or peer of equal age and maturity.

I grew up as an only child, often wishing that I had a sibling I could use as a role model, or perhaps even a younger one to set the example for. In the years we've been friends, Matt has filled that void in my life that could not be filled by a mere friend or loved one. He truly is the big brother I never had, but always wanted. I know I've said this fact to many, and I'm sure most of them dismiss it as my usual exaggeration or use of hyperbole. But every time I call him bro, it's sincere. Every time I tell him I'm there for him and have his back, no matter what -I mean every word of it. Because I know he would do the same for me, and has done the same for me. He's always been there when I needed him most, even if not physically. And it amazes me how even his suggestion of aid, his sage-like (though sometimes unconventional) advice, and willingness to help can instantly inspire some bit of hope in me.

To me, the only thing separating him and I from being family is blood. And we all know blood doesn't determine who your real family is in the long run anyway.

John

I met John during my sophomore year of high school. At the time I made his acquaintance, I didn't know much about him, and didn't really care to change that. Things going on in my life at the time caused me to become introverted. For the longest time, I was a quiet, mellow, lonely guy that many who know me now would hardly recognize. But as the months went on, and as John gradually became initiated in the group of people I associated myself with, I grew to know more about him. Through various birthday parties we were mutually invited to and talking at school, John eventually became more than an acquaintance and someone I genuinely considered a friend. He was (and still is) a great guy -funny, smart (despite doing stupid things sometimes, often with hilarious results), caring, and an all-around nice dude. But our friendship took a mighty leap the day he came over to my house for the first time.

On this day (seemingly like any other), John and I found ourselves in my bedroom, having a conversation the likes of which I've shared with only a select few people in my life. In the course of a few short hours, John became not just one of my friends, but one of my best friends. I felt an emotional kinship with him that no other male friend of mine had ever shown the capacity for. On that day, he and I discussed our feelings on love, relationships, the stigma of being a nice guy, and why people like the two of us get shafted by life on a daily basis. Since that day, John and I have had several more conversations of a similar nature. And I've noticed that he is perhaps the only one of my friends I can speak to on such a frank, emotionally honest level. I've said it before and I'll say it again: he is a man wise beyond his years. He knows the intricacies of the heart like no other, and has been able to move me to tears with his soliloquies on why humans love, what drives us to pursue it in light of the risks involved, and what it means to be a man. Not a guy. Not a dude. But a man.

I love you, buddy.

Liz

I met Liz in my freshman year at Torrey Pines High School, though we didn't really start talking until sophomore year. Recalling the aforementioned troubles I was experiencing at the time, Liz was in the midst of coping with her own (though hers were of a much more heart-wrenching sort than mine). Liz and I had known each other for quite a while before we became friends, due to being in the same Japanese class. But it wasn't until our respective tragedies occurred that her and I started becoming closer. You could say that her and I bonded through our pain. As days turned to weeks, weeks turned to months, and months turned to years, Liz became one of my dearest friends.

In describing her to others who've not had the pleasure of knowing her, I've often referred to her as that one female friend every guy has who knows just how to tug on your heartstrings. That one friend who knows exactly what to say at the exact right time that can move you to tears in an instant (in a good way, of course). She's seen the darkest parts of myself, and has helped me through some of my worst times. She knows me, the way I think, and the way I feel on a deep enough level where she almost feels like the loving sister I never had. Not to mention how much we have in common, and the fact that she's one of the coolest, funniest, most beautiful and brilliant girls -no people- I've ever had the joy of meeting. She's always been there for me, and I truly consider myself lucky to call her my friend.

Love ya', Liz.

Ben

Ben, Ben, Ben...many things come to mind when trying to describe the king of all that is brown in the Edelson world. Perhaps the best way to sum up the friendship between Curry Baron and I is how we met on that faithful, adventurous day long ago.

Back in eight grade, my best friend was a tall, gangly shit-twig named Brandon Mells. We got along great, loved the same comics, loved the same movies, and had a mutual passion for our artwork. But lately, this new kid named Ben Mathews had been eating up most of Brandon's time. Naturally, being in the beginning of my teenage years and a little bit of a moron, I got jealous. So jealous to the point that I'd scoff every time Brandon mentioned the idea of meeting this Ben character. But when I could refuse the proposition no longer, I was dragged on an expedition to the Highlands with a few other of Brandon and I's friends, during which I finally came face to face with the baron.

I wasn't enamored with the guy at first. I didn't outright hate him, but there didn't seem like a lot to him that I would've particularly enjoyed. This was of course only a surface judgement. The full circumstances for how the dude and I ended up locked in the cramped trunk of a car together, with nothing but each other, a red brake light, and Nirvana's "In Utero" for company is better served in the form of a detailed short story. For now, let us agree this happenstance occurred, and after only a few short minutes of conversing, my opinions of the coolest Indian kid I had ever met completely changed.

Ben is without a doubt my most intelligent friend. I can say the following statement about many, but it stands especially true with him. There are levels of conversation and relation that I can attain with him that are impossible with any other. When I need to do some soul searching, he is the Watson to my Sherlock Holmes (and let us not forget Watson often finds clues that Holmes has overlooked). Every cherished evening I spend at his abode drinking his gourmet-quality tea and waxing philosophical, sociological, or even just making slightly higher brow dick jokes than with most of my friends is a night fondly remembered. He is one of my truest, dearest friends, one I love without a doubt, and one who deserves the same happiness all nice guys do, despite his proclamation to fuck them and the self-righteous horses they rode in on.

Gimme a call, asshole, haha.

More to come soon.

The Little Things Give You Away

2008-04-30T04:18:00.000-07:00

I'm going to be a total walking cliché and post song lyrics that describe how I'm feeling at the moment. Ben, I apologize that they're from a Linkin Park song. If you have a problem with that, shut up and eat your salad.

Water gray, through the windows, up the stairs
Chilling rain, like an ocean everywhere

Don't want to reach for me, do you?
I mean nothing to you, the little things give you away
And now there will be no mistaking
The levees are breaking

All you've ever wanted
Was someone to truly look up to you
And six feet under water, I do

Hope decays
Generations disappear
Washed away,
As a nation simply stares

Don't want to reach for me, do you?
I mean nothing to you, the little things give you away
But now there will be no mistaking
The levees are breaking

All you've ever wanted
Was someone to truly look up to you
And six feet under water, I do

All you've ever wanted
Was someone to truly look up to you
And six feet underground,

Now I do...

Oh, oh...

The little things give you away, the little things give you away
(All you've ever wanted was someone to truly look up to you)

Well, that was all fine and dandy, now wasn't it?

Yeah, I'm not feeling too high-spirited right now. In fact, to further illustrate this point, I'm going to relate a couple quotes I've been pondering for a while that seem rather appropriate.

"I wish someone would just switch me off and...fix me."
(Johnny "Nny" C.; Johnny the Homicidal Maniac)

"There is a man...playing a violin...and the strings...are the nerves in his own arm."
(James O'Barr, The Crow)

"We only recognize our souls when they are in pain."
(James O'Barr, The Crow)

"Why do I fall in love with every woman I see who shows me the least bit of attention?"
(Jim Carrey as Joel Barish, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind)

That's all I've got the energy for tonight.

--Jonnie.

4-29-08

2008-04-29T03:28:00.000-07:00

It's been a little over a week since I posted here last. Figured I'd keep my small fanbase abreast of my activities as of late. Don't worry, a more substantial entry is in the works, I promise.

Finally got an Xbox 360 on Thursday. Big shout out/thank you to my buddy James for hooking me up with it. After a couple trade-ins, a few trips to various GameStops, and tonight's midnight release, my acquisitions for the system are as follows:

On the accessory front:

-Four wireless controllers.
-A Nyko DVD universal remote.
-A wireless network adapter.
-A wireless headset.
-256 MB memory unit.
-20 GB hard drive.
-Two Gears of War faceplates.

On the game front:

-BioShock (Limited Edition) ~ Thanks again, Beals!
-Gears of War (Collector's Edition).
-Condemned: Criminal Origins.
-Crackdown
-The Darkness.
-Dead or Alive: Xtreme 2 (shut up, I'm lonely and single).
-Dead Rising.
-Fight Night: Round 3.
-Grand Theft Auto IV (GameStop fucking cut off pre-orders of the collector's edition one day before I came in to do my reservation).
-Pocket Bike Racer.
-Sneak King (fucking epic).
-5 Xbox Live Arcade games (among them Uno, Pacman, and Geometry Wars).
-Conker: Live & Reloaded (for the original Xbox).
-Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 2X (for the original Xbox).

Other than that, not much has been new. John's surprise birthday party happened on Saturday. It was fun, got to see a lot of people I don't get to hang with too often. John loved it and was genuinely surprised, so that was good. Tomorrow I should be hanging with Beals after he gets out of class and I finish grocery shopping with my mom to prep for the ten days her and Dave are gonna be in Utah. Can't wait to have the house to myself.

It's been a lonely last few days, as per usual. I'm trying to keep my chin up, but it's not easy. I feel like my next post isn't going to be a very uplifting one (wow, there's a shocker).

My head hurts. I'm toying with the idea of holding off on starting GTAIV until tomorrow. I know, I'm a walking insult to gamers everywhere.

--Jonnie.

What the fuck is wrong with people?

2008-04-21T01:07:00.000-07:00

The thoughts and feelings I'm about to expel are ones I've been wrestling with for a long time now, and due to recent events, have finally decided to put into words. No matter how deeply I ponder the situation, now matter how many angles I try to view the many dimensions and shades of gray from...I always end up coming back to the same phrase. It sums things up rather adequately, in my opinion.

What the fuck is wrong with people?

Anyone who's close to me knows my feelings on the subjects of love, happiness, and being complete. This isn't true for many, but I seem to be one of the few unfortunate individuals on this planet who is incapable of being truly happy, truly complete without romantic love in their life. Sure, I have plenty of friends and relatives who love me. But anyone with a brain (or better yet, a heart) knows there's a fundamental difference there. Call me old-fashioned, call me a hopeless romantic -but I believe in true love. I believe in the idea of soul mates. I am in love with the very idea of love, and I believe that in the end, when it all comes down to it, love is all you need. I got a jarring and excruciating wake up call from that bubble of a dream some two months ago.

Apparently (like I didn't already know this), I'm of a dying breed -a breed of men that actually believes that as long as you have love, everything else is secondary, that chivalry is worth upholding, that true love conquers all. It's taken me more than two months, endless hours, days, and weeks of agony to finally have confidence in these words. But if I am somehow wrong for believing that love is one of the only things in this world worth fighting for, I don't want to be right. Because I know there are others out there who think like I do, who feel like I do, and who don't scoff at the mere idea of finding someone that makes you feel whole. It's a reality, folks. Even if it takes a person years or decades to find that certain someone...it happens. If you allow it.

Ever since I began to feel the pain of a love lost, I've watched in horror as nearly every relationship -not flings, not friends with benefits, but real, dedicated, loving couples- has crumbled around me. It's almost as if I can't go a single week without hearing about one more boy, one more girl that's feeling the exact same pain I am. It's a horrendous feeling, one that I wouldn't wish on the people I hate most, one that no person should ever have to feel. And yet, it happens. And not only does it happen, but it happens at an alarming rate. It isn't restricted to my age group (soon-to-be twenty-somethings) either. You see it in the ever-rising divorce rate in our country. You see it in every case of adultery, every case of trust broken down, every tear shed on another's behalf.

I apologize for the broad generalization, as I know this does not apply to everyone, but I almost feel like human beings have forgotten how to love. How to care. How to hold on and keep fighting. Gone are the days when a couple will work out their problems and emerge with a stronger bond because of it. It strikes me now that when issues arise in a relationship, one of the two has given up the fight. Usually the one still fighting tries to pick up the slack. They try extra hard and do everything they can to repair the rift that has opened between them. But love is a battle that cannot be won alone. I know I've probably offended some with my comments, but there's a difference between continuing to fight...and pretending to keep fighting, letting the other person think that things are improving when things are only getting worse. And although I'm sure behind every one of these breakups, valid reasons were at play...I can't help but wonder how many of these lost loves could have been saved with simple communication, and an equal effort on the parts of both those involved.

I'm sad. I'm angry. I'm at a loss for everything but words. I feel pain on a daily basis, though that pain dwindles a fraction of a percentage over time. More so now than my own hurt, I feel the pain of those around me. I feel the heartbreak of my best friends as they lose what they cherish most...almost as vividly as if I felt it firsthand. And it makes me hate this world a little bit more, knowing that people put each other through this torture. Sadly, I cannot force myself to go completely to the side of those who take pity on everyone and everything on this planet. Because I still believe in love. I still believe happiness is possible with another person. I guess everyone just has to survive a stint in their own personal Hell before that can be allowed to happen.

Funny how everyone has their own little Hell, and yet they're so similar to everyone else's.

"Human beings do not experience love. We only remember it."

A quote that was once said to me when I was at my worst. It resonated. It touched me on a deep level. And it's that simple act of remembering love, remembering how good it feels to hold another person in your arms, to feel safe, to know you are cared for on a level so unfathomable that it brings tears to your eyes merely to think upon it...it's that act of remembering that gives me hope of it still being possible of happening again. Not just for me. But for everyone who has ever seen that personification of everything they've ever wanted and searched for, and pined so badly for it to be theirs. For everyone who has cared so much to the point that they endure not only their own pain, but the pain of the person they care for because of it. For everyone that has ever seen a perfect example of true love -be it in print, rendered in artwork, or captured on film- and wished so hard that it could happen. Love is real. It does happen...if only we allow it.

And to those of you that know me, to those of you reading this who still have that love in their lives...don't ever let that go. Not without a fight. Don't let something that has given you so much happiness cease to be an experience and become only a memory.

--Jonnie.

P.S. I got a fortune cookie today that read, "You will be showered with good luck". I'm holding onto it and keeping my fingers crossed. Let's hope it doesn't involve an Asian man with the last name Luck getting fed to a wood chipper or helicopter blade with me in splatter radius.

Work in Six Hours

2008-04-17T02:56:00.000-07:00

It's 3:00 AM, and -what a surprise- I can't sleep.

Saturday night didn't turn out being nearly as made of suck as I had originally predicted. James came over after I got off work, and we had a blast. I keep forgetting what an amazing game Super Smash Bros. Brawl is. No matter how down you are, if you've got a good friend to play it with, you have hours of laughs ahead of you. I introduced him to the "terrorist" rules of playing (which consist of max damage ratio and all explosive items on the Hyrule Temple stage), and mass hilarity ensued. We then decided to take the terrorist rules to a stage of our own creation, aptly named "Dead Man's Curve". Essentially, it turned out being a massive vertical ramp with spikes, mushrooms, and totem poles lining the underside. This of course begged us to play as Wario and ride our motorcycles to our collective doom off the ramp, all set to F-Zero's most metal track available. Probably the most epic moment of battle occurred when James' Wario collapsed from his hog in between two fire boxes. Seeing this golden opportunity, I suicide dove onto him, letting out a fully-charged Wario Waft (fart, to the layman) in the process, decimating the motorcycle and killing us both. As I said, made of epic.

I took an impulsive drive to Carmel Mountain the other day. Had nothing to do, so I decided to be adventurous. Believe it or not, I didn't get lost going to or coming back this time. Perhaps my sense of direction is actually improving? In any case, I stopped in at Sears, Circuit City, and finally GameStop, whereupon I found a steal of a game I'd been seeking for a long time: Killer7 on PS2, and only for $4.99!

I used to own it for the GameCube, but my initial distaste for the gameplay and storytelling style caused me to relinquish it to my friend Carl. Having now played (and loved) No More Heroes -which was also created by Suda 51- I wanted to give his other well-known effort another chance. I'll update with my revised opinion of the game at a later date.

Got home from work at about 7:30 tonight. Found the X-Men & X2: X-Men United box set and Tetsuo II: Body Hammer in the mail.

Anyone who knows me well enough to have witnessed the horror that is Tetsuo: The Iron Man will be absolutely tickled pink to know I now own the sequel. Let the madness begin. Also finally found a working torrent of the Mac version of Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic. Definitely excited to start sinking my teeth into that one, especially because BioWare has a certain Sonic title coming out later this year that has caught my interest.

Bekah came over after I showered and prettified myself. We dined on some buttery-delicious popcorn and watched BASEketball. I'll assume you've all seen, know of the film, or have heard of it -really don't feel like hunting down another DVD cover at this ungodly hour. Tomorrow promises to be interesting in one form or another. I get off work at 4:00...maybe I'll head on over to Signature Point and do some working out. After all, I have to do some good for my body, what with all the McDonald's, Domino's, and Taco Bell I've been eating lately.

I'm not gonna go too thoroughly into detail on this one, since it's something I already discussed at length with Vim, but I feel like just hitting a couple bullet points here before heading off to bed. It's amazing how things can seem little or insignificant to one person, but be a completely different animal to another. It goes the same way for happy things and sad things, but I'm referring specifically to acts of kindness. Acts that don't take a lot of effort on the part of one, but can have a very profound and heartfelt effect on another. It's wondrous how good a little bit of attention can feel sometimes.

For the first time in a while, I'm in a good mood tonight, and I can go to bed with a smile on my face. I have someone to thank for that. And even if the reasons behind that smile are small or insignificant in the grand design of things -that doesn't change the fact that a little warmth, a little compassion...a little kindness goes a long way.

Night, all.

--Jonnie.

My goal list that I created two months ago...still standing by them, but am much less optimistic about everything.

2008-04-12T15:56:00.000-07:00

I love my dad. Despite how much of a horrible person my mother makes him out to be, I'm never gonna stop loving him and defending him. That being said, my dad always impressed upon me the idea that writing down your goals enacts "special powers" that work in your favor to make them come true. I've never believed that before, but I guess it can't hurt to try.

Here are a few of my goals. None of these are really in an order of preference or importance or on any kind of timeframe, but here they are nonetheless...

1. Cut back on Mountain Dew and fast food. Stopping anything as prevalent in my life as either of the aforementioned items all at once is never a good thing, but I think at least cutting back a little will help things. If nothing else it'll make my next goal easier to attain. Besides, I really need to take into account how prone a candidate I am for diabetes, considering how present it is in both sides of my family. Dew is not a habit, it's a way of life...but limiting myself with it will make the less often times that I drink it that much sweeter.

2. Get in shape. Way back when, I used to think having a great body would help me along in my quest to get a girlfriend. I eventually succeeded in getting one without the help of an immaculately crafted bod', but I definitely need to start taking better care of myself. No more vegetating in my room all day and all night with work in between. I can't guarantee I'm going to start running, but walking absolutely. I miss walking. It'll give me a chance to catch up on some of the music I haven't gotten a chance to listen to (which also helps inspire my creative works -that's going to play into my next goal), keep me in shape, and cut down on my gas budget. Also, look out Signature Point gym, here I come! God, is there any resource that apartment complex has that I don't take advantage of? I can see many sore-bodied and sorely needed jacuzzi runs in my future.

3. I need to get back in touch with my creative side. Sure, Codpiece is a great step in the right direction, but I need to do more than just come up with ideas. Every day, I need to set aside time to hone my writing as well as my art. Somewhere along the line, I lost the confidence I once had in my abilities. I need to not let what happened to my dad happen to me and get discouraged. I will be a comic book artist. I will be a comic book writer. I will be a screenwriter, director, and a novelist. Those have always been my dreams, and a little ego shot is not going to change that. Practice makes perfect, and I'm ready to hit the drawing board once again (literally and figuratively) to improve my artistic imperfections and to make my writing readable. Also, get ready to see some of the long in development projects over at my JHE Films production schedule actually come to fruition (shocking, I know). I've always had stories to tell, and now that my camera is fixed and I have the drive to become a filmmaker again, I'm going to do just that.

4. I need to save money. It's something that everyone knows, something I know how to do but previously have not had a strong enough will, and something that has been a major issue for others to take with me. I seem to have the opposite effects of the Jewish curse. I love money, I will do most anything to get money...but I can't hold onto any to save my life. Every paycheck I get is spent within days of receiving it. I need to change that. There are a couple non-essential things I would like to get out of the way before all is said and done (there is the amazing deal James is cutting me on his 360). But once that's out of the way, I'm going to actually save. Of course I'll set aside some money for gas, money to pay my mom for putting up with my ass, and maybe the occasional DVD (I'm a would-be director after all, I can't help it). But I do intend to get out of my parents house someday. Here's hoping that someday won't be so far away.

5. Excluding the aforementioned 360...enough is enough already with the video games. After this system and a few killer apps are mine and done with, no more. Not for a long time. There are so many games I have bought solely for completion's sake, and others with full intention of playing -but getting the next "must have" title before barely skimming the surface of that previous one. I am without a doubt a completionist and perfectionist at heart. Therefore I need to take a step back, and focus on the games I have that have sorely been wanting my attention. There was a time when I forsook the ability to play video games in order to be able to watch TV. I need get reacquainted with that part of myself and not only cut back on games, but focus on the ones I have instead of needlessly buying more. Besides, by the time I finish all the ones I have, any that will have come out in the time between should be at bargain prices, therefore not conflicting too heavily with my last goal...Christ, I really am a Jew, aren't I?

6. Perhaps the most important one of all...I need to go back to school, and I'm well on my way. I'm not going to commit to the Art Institute just yet, but I can without a doubt swing Mira Costa. I talked to good ol' Ben "Curry Baron" Mathews, and he's going to do what he can about talking to his English 100 teacher, along with getting me on track for Matriculation (blatant rip-off of "Matriculated", one of the nine segments of The Animatrix, anyone?). Matriculation -don't ask me how the fuck they come up with these names- basically is an extended orientation program. It starts with me applying to Costa, taking a couple placement tests for English and Math (ugh), then sitting through an hour of school orientation. Despite my beefs with the educational system in our country and my utter distaste for school, it's unfortunately a necessity. I need a backup plan for my future. Not to toot my own horn, but I fully believe I have the potential talent to make it in my various industries of choice going the indie route like the greats did (Quentin Tarantino, Robert Rodriguez, and Kevin Smith to name a few), but I can't bank my entire future on that. I realize now how stupid that is. That being said, after a lengthy discussion with Mr. Sweet Taste of India himself, he believes that -much like he did- I will find my way in the college system and take to it much more than high school. Here's hoping. If all goes well, and even if I have to do my own dirty work instead of him getting the requested info for me, I should be on track to taking English 100 during the summer. Supposedly that will give me slight priority for better classes in the fall semester, and it's a great class to have if I intend to transfer to a four year school, which at this point, I'm not willing to rule out. I'm going to the library in the next couple days to pick up a class schedule so I can get online and sign up.

7. I'm going to read at least a little bit every day (or at least try). I have way too many books, and even more so, way too many I haven't read. If I'm not currently reading a book, I'll start one. And each day, I want to read at least one chapter of said book. If it's a short story collection, at least one story per day, depending on length.

This is a list I'm going to be adding to over time, both as I get closer to accomplishing or making headway in some of these goals, and also as I think of more. That's all for now. Strike back at the bottom with your thoughts, if you have any.

Peace,
--Jonnie "Bagel Nose" Edelson.

P.S. I know a lot of you reading this are going to say or think "fuck, he didn't even MENTION readjusting his sleeping schedule!"

...

Shut up. Let's take things one (or in my case seven) at a time, okay? :P

After so many years following its discovery, still true...

2008-04-12T15:54:00.000-07:00

Ode to the Nice Guys
This rant was written for the Wharton Undergraduate Journal

This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl's every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.

This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they're at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don't end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.

This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn't worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you'd ever orchestrated in GTAIII to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time she didn't have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing "serious" between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: "oh, but we're just friends!" And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you're nice like that.

The nice guys don't often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don't seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can't. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as "oh, he's too nice to date" or "he would be a good boyfriend but he's not for me" or "he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn't possibly ask him out!" or the most frustrating of all: "no, it would ruin our friendship." Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can't figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I'm going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn't last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.

So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you're sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.

Back Pains & Pessimism

2008-04-12T14:19:00.000-07:00

Well, life kind of sucks, as per usual, and here's why:

Buddy woke me up barking this morning, same as he has the last three days in a row. I fucking hate that dog. I can't even get a peaceful night's rest with him in my home, not to mention come and go as I please. I mean, seriously, how retarded is he? My parents are right in the goddamned garage, putting stuff away from storage, and yet he still feels the need to run his mouth for everyone to hear. I chased him down for a couple minutes in an attempt to hold his trap shut to try and get something resembling a message across, but I was so exhausted, all I could manage was a barely-threatening smack on the back.

I sauntered back off to bed for a couple more hours, then finally came into consciousness at about 1:00 PM, at which point I discovered a stifling pain in my lower back. I remember vaguely falling back asleep in an awkward position after having attempted to quell the mutt. Naturally, I blame the dog for this. I got up, made my first entry in the new Sawlogs dream journal account I started, then got a pleasant few surprises in the mail to briefly alleviate the suckage that my day will ultimately become.

In the mail -

Big Fish (Collector's Edition)

Casshern: Director's Cut

And the May 2008 issue of Game Informer.

It was nice to see those. But things started going downhill from there. Thinking back on it now as I try to put my feelings into words...nothing really happened. I guess I'm blowing things way out of proportion (as I tend to do) and being overly pessimistic. I'm just...wrestling with feelings of dread, inevitability, and self-loathing. More specifically, dread of the inevitable, and self-loathing merely for the fact that I am dreading the inevitable, if that makes sense to anyone but me. I know that normally isn't the kind of thing worthy of ruining a day, but when I get in one of my moods, it tends to leave something of a...sour taste in my mouth, so to speak.

Oh, another nugget of joy! Apparently, someone has hacked into my email account. I discovered this while talking to Wayne this morning, as I obviously sent him an email proclaiming that he is gay and I don't want be friends with him anymore. Because I would totally say that. Luckily, he knew it wasn't me (ironically because of my propensity to use proper grammar, spelling, and sentence structure -even on the internet), and informed me of my little dilemma. I found the offending email in my sent box, which leads me to believe someone knows my password and is screwing with me. My hunch is that it's my co-worker Mo, who happened to ask me if I use the same password for everything the other day whilst I was checking my email at work. If so, he's in for an ass-kicking tonight when I get to the 'Shack.

And so, I sit here at my computer, killing an hour and a half until having to get dressed for work, watching Degrassi (which I will likely cry at for perhaps the millionth and a half time), drinking Dew, nursing my wounded back, chatting with friends over AIM, and lamenting the depressing sinkhole my day will likely become as soon as I get home. Work should actually be okay tonight, considering I'm closing with Mo (who despite whatever he may have done to my email is a cool guy). But I know as soon as I'm off at 9:00, any attempt to find someone to hang out with and stave off my loneliness will be an effort in futility. Yet, I will try and try, no matter how fruitless the attempt. I see watching a sad movie, writing another depressing blog, and playing Guitar Hero on medium in my future.

There are so many (and yet, so few) things I'd give anything for right now...a loving back massage...someone to cuddle with. It's funny how that's both not a lot and at the same time so much to ask for.

--Jonnie.

P.S. Well, looks like James and I are hanging out now after I get off work. Maybe my night won't be quite as depressing as I originally predicted.